Verbal Abuse

Today, my name is Susie. And I am a victim of verbal abuse. Many people might think back to the old proverb. Something about sticks and stone breaking bones, but words will never hurt. It's all a lie.  Nothing but a phrase invented by the dominant to placate the weak. To me, words hit harder than anything else. Words can free a person, and can also bind them. To free them from pain, or to bind them to it. And for me, I am trapped. Chained, binded, captured... Stuck.

I wasn't always like this. When I was still a young girl, I was the sort that would take on the world with the confidence that I could do it. I was confident, but not overly so. I was bubbly and happy. The life of the party, you could say. I don't know exactly when it hit me. But hit me it did. A hard hit right in the gut. And I couldn't shake them off anymore.

At first it was small words. Loud, noisy, too playful, too naughty. Things that a young kid wouldn't really take to heart. But as I grew older, I started to feel the chains attached to them. Chains that stopped me from running forward anymore. Arrogant, bossy, bitchy, naggy. Words poured out from all sorts of people. It binded me. And I couldn't free myself from the web of chains that has been spun around me.

The strongest, most unbreakable chains were that of the people I loved most. My parents; Useless, hopeless, stupid, not the brain child, why can't you be better, why aren't you as good as that child, why must you be such a moron... My lover; Bossy, bitchy, naggy, not good enough, you can't do it, give up, why can't you be more beautiful, why can't you just sit at home and settle down... Everything... Why why why why why...

I will never be good enough, never be the perfect friend, never be the perfect child, never be the perfect lover, never be the perfect wife. I will never be good enough at what I do. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to live. Thoughts like these, everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. I put on a fake smile everyday. People think I'm alright. Sometimes, without meaning to, they bind me some more.

I can't move... I can't breathe... I can't get free... I don't want to live like this anymore.

I fell into depression most of the time. Whenever I was alone, all I could do was sit in a ball in the the corner of my room. Trying to get the voices out of my head. Trying to shake off the chains that were suffocating me. I would cry, I would scream. I broke the things around me and I would tear things apart. I couldn't handle it. I gave up. I did all sorts stupid things. I was reckless. I attempted suicide many times, and a few came pretty close. I didn't want to live. I felt that I didn't deserve to. No right to take up a space in this world.

One day something changed. The act that I put on and fooled so many people, it didn't seem to work on some. They saw right through me. And that's when they started to reach out. I shunned them aside. Believing that I didn't need it. Trusting the voices that I don't deserve it. But they were all persistent. They approached me slowly, encouraging me and coaxing me. It took some time, but in the end I broke down. And everything poured like water from a broken dam.

Today, I have better friends who are trying to free me. Friends who believe in me and are trying to free me. To relight that candle that others have blown out and dampen over and over again. Slowly, one by one, my chains are being snapped. Some chains are bounded so tightly, it'll take some time to  even loosen. Some chains, I just refuse to let so because I've embraced it so tightly. But I'm starting to believe. Slowly, my fire will relight. Slowly but surely, I'll be free.

My name is Susie, and this is my message to you. Be careful of what you say. Because no matter how jokingly you say it, unconsciously, it will bind a person. Many that could not cope, did not find help in time, or didn't even reach out for the help that was give; those people chose to just end it all. I was lucky enough to have friends that continued reaching out no matter what happen.

If you are a victim like me, this is my advise. You're not useless or hopeless. Don't think that you can't accept the help just because you think you don't deserve it. No one deserves to be dragged down like this. Absolutely no one. Reach out, and take the hand that's extended to you, and free yourself before it's too late.

I'm happier now. I'm healing. And now it's my turn to return that favor.