Rape

This day, my name is Rachel. And I am a victim of rape. It happened in the most unexpected way. And it happened with someone I thought I could trust. I never should have trusted that man. Never should have allowed that to happen. Should have fought back, should have done something. But I didn't. And all I am now is just a broken husk. Shattered, irreparable. What should I do?

He was the man I thought loved me. And initially, for the first couple of month, we were happy. The honey moon period, I call it. Love blinded me. I trusted him with everything I had. We talked about the future that we were sure we would have together. Trust, hope, love... I had it all. And I was happy. But it didn't last for long.

After a certain period, we started getting too comfortable. That love craze that we initially had finally died down. Though we still loved each other, it wasn't the same anymore. And I didn't care. That was my mistake. That I didn't care, didn't do anything about it. Eventually, all we did was tolerate each other. Arguments over small things that didn't use to bother us, we yelled and shouted at each other. We drifted apart. That was when we began to see each other without that love filming our eyes.

He hated women standing above him. He wanted to be the dominant, the leader, the first. And I allowed it. That was my second mistake. For allowing it to happen. Eventually, he tried to dictate everything that I did. And I hated it. Hatred replaced love. Anger and bitterness replaced affection. I knew it was time to end this.

It was the last straw in our relationship. Accusations. The insults and accuses the threw at me hurt worse than when we had argued. All that trust we built? Gone in an instant. It's funny, how trust can take so long to built, but shatter in a second. Like a house of card. Fragile, with a single mistake, destroyed. I had to end it. And end it we did. He asked to remain friends, I agreed. That was my final mistake.

It happened when I was sick. He dropped by to buy me some food. I was still drowsy from the medication I had taken. I told him that he could use the computers or watch some telly. Then I went to my bed. I fell asleep almost instantly. But when I awoke, I awoke to pain. By the time I realized, it was too late. I screamed, I begged. I cried, I tried fighting back. But nothing changed. Fear, pain, anger, shock... The number of emotions conflicting in my mind numbed me. The last shred of trust I had for this man? Gone. All I could do, was to wait for it all to finish.

After he left, I cried. No sleep, no food. Just a broken body, slumped in my room from shock. The pain was unbearable, a reminder of the horror that I went through. I couldn't recover, couldn't stand up again. But time forced me moved on. Everyday at work I see him, anger, hate and bitterness well up inside me.

Till today, I cannot forgive. Till today, I cannot forget. Till today, I bleed on the inside. Remembering that day. Nightmares prevent me from sleeping. Memories prevents me from eating. Everyday has turned into a living hell for me. I still don't know what to do

My name is Rachel, and this is my story. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to live anymore. So please, someone.... help me....