To papa, with love from us all

It's been a little more than 2 years since then. Even longer since it all started. From the day we received the horrifying news. My father had brain tumor.
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I was 15 when we received the news. It was only a few weeks after my brother got married. I remember the crying, the agony, the tension and the intense shock that shrouded us all. But there was also a determination. My father was a strong man, he would pull through, see that he doesn't.

And he did. The first operation was a success. And my father was awake and alert within hours of the operation. We were all thrilled. Of course there's still a way to go for recovery, but we were all so giddy with joy and relief. A miracle, a hope fulfilled. My father recovered quickly. He even continued working. It was all looking good, till the tumor relapsed with a vengeance. Everything plummet downhill again.
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The second surgery too was a success, but father did not recover as fast. 2 major surgery within such a short span of time was taxing. But recovery was hopeful. However, the doctor warned us. Father needed rest. Lots and lots of it. Should it relapse another time, there would be nothing much he could do. And so we all urged my father to rest more. Treading carefully around him, careful not to anger him, doing thing for him instead. But father was an energetic man, restless in his time of rest. He couldn't keep still, he needed to work. And so my mother relented. For a year, it was the careful dance of keeping my father well rested but not restless. When it seemed that all would go well, life turned back to bite us on the rear again. Hard. A third relapse.
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This time the doctor was in despair. It was larger than before with a lot more problems arising. In the end my parents went through countless other treatments. Even going all the way to China for a month. In the end, it wasn't enough. My father was soon bed ridden, forced to lie on the bed without the energy to move anymore, unable to do anything for himself. Saying it was hard on us all will never compare to what my mother felt. She took care of him, nursed him, chatted away with my father, all the while desperately trying to find a way out, to find another treatment that would work. All in vain.
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It was slightly more than a year after my grandfather's death. That night, we all stood around my father's bed, and we all knew that it was time. The time to let go soon. We all tried to sleep, but of course we couldn't. And he finally slipped away that day, with my mother clinging on so desperately, and us siblings crying in anguish at the side. My eldest brother and his wife lock to each other for comfort, and my other brothers patting each others back. I stood at the back alone, crying. But my mind was blank, and pain in my heart unbearable. Father was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

Again, I found myself in the same process as did my grandfather's passing before this. This time however, that 5 days were hell. While my grandfather had ignored me most of the time, my father loved me dearly, which made it that much harder. We couldn't sleep, couldn't choke down the food laid before us. My family all had that haunted. bloodshot eyes. But I stopped crying. For my mother's sake, who can barely hold it together, I had to be strong for her, and be her rock to hold on to. But on that final day, before closing his coffin, tears slid down without a stop, even as I desperately tried to hold back. Everyone was crying in earnest, none of us able to say our farewells, as the cover was nailed shut.

As was with my grandfather the previous year, it was bright and sunny. And I watched, shovel after shovel of dirt being thrown in. Tears were still flowing freely down, but I quickly wiped them away. Father would never want us to be like this. And so I pulled myself together. As we all walked away, I lingered behind and turn back. I said silent message to dad, "Watch, and I promise I'll try to make you proud."
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It's been 2 years since then. 2 years to gather my courage and write this. And I still miss him, my father. He was a great man. Passionate, dedicated, caring and understanding. He was strong and energetic, always playing badminton and golf. Running marathons and hiking. More than that, he loved us all. It's so hard to think that a strong man like father would be gone just like that, with still so much to live for. Till today, I wish I had done more. Spend more time with him. Bring in better report cards. Buying him surprises, or even just chatting with him about my day. Something, anything at all as long as it was something. But time that has gone will never come back, and all that remains is regret. As to whether I made my father proud, I'm not sure. I'm sure there are times where he'll be deeply disappointed, but I still hope that I've made him proud as well.
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Dear papa,

If you're reading this from behind my back, are you smiling? Have I done you proud? I will never know. But papa, I miss you, and so do the rest of us. Please take care of mommy from above. Mommy misses you like crazy. She still cries every now and then, and we all know it. She's working now, where you were working all these years. And she's so burnt out. My brothers are all so tired as well. Please watch over them all. I love you.

Your Daughter,
Mei Mei

Long time no see~

Wow, it has been awhile since I wrote anything. I'm amazed that the blog is even still up and running! I figured that it's be deleted or something! And I couldn't even remember both my user ID and my passwords! Thank God for recovery passwords!

I guess I recently found the fire to light up my passion for writing again. Didn't realize how much I missed writing. Maybe I'll do something good this time. Maybe learn to write fanfiction? Anyhow, I plan to take it slow. Learn as I go, change as is needed.

Bottom line? I seriously have my work cut out for me. But I really want to do this. I think. Yea, I do. I really really do. And hopefully, I can become a good writer with my own sense of style. Think I can make it? Let's find out shall we?

Love,
Me~

To Grandpa, With love from Me

A wail jolted me awake in the dead of that December night, chilling me right to the bone despite of the heat. I never knew what happened until the next morning. And when I did, I was horror struck. I learned that my grandfather has passed away.

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The next 5 days were taxing on our family. People who knew my grandfather came to give their respects. And we had to give a proper show to all. In truth, I didn't feel sad at first. I felt nothing, numb. It would seem that in the whole clan, I was the only unaffected one. However, the truth was that I didn't know what to feel. But my feelings surfaced as I stood in front of grandfather's coffin as we all gave our personal messages to him.

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I've never seen my relatives shed a tear, much less cry. But that day, tears streamed from all of them. Heartbreaking sobs tore from all 3 sons of my grandfather. My grandmother, trying to be strong, broke down as well as she saw the peaceful look of my deceased grandfather. Yet I stood there, yet to feel anything. However that was soon to change.

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My uncles and my father tried to choke back their sobs to speak, to say their final good byes. Then, it was our turn, his grandchildren, too speak. One by one, I watched my brothers and cousins break down and cried as they tried to speak, heartbreaking sobs tearing from their lungs. Soon it was my turn. I stood there, looking at my grandfather. He looked so much more at peace now, smiling a little even. I was stunned when tears slid down my face, and sobs struggled to break through.

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Later that day, as we stood together as a family at the foot of grandfather's grave with our beloved friends surrounding us, I couldn't help but feel that the weather, which was bright and sunny with a slight breeze, was an insult to the atmosphere. As I stood there, watching shovel by shovel as the earth was shovelled back into the grave, memories washed over me so strongly that, for the moment, I wasn't there.

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I was born late into Grandpa's life. So he didn't really take much notice of me. But I always suspected that it was also because I was a female. Grandpa migrated from China to Malaysia with a few other of his clan members to find a new life. He started as out as a hard labourer, and slowly but surely, gave birth to his very own company, which the family now takes over.

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Despite ignoring me most of the time, he was a compassionate man, a kind man. He was the type off man that would show his love for his family by providing with abundance. And provide he did. He was a man of his word. Everything seemed so well, until he was plagued with an illnesses that crippled him for life.

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For the first few years, he refused to give in the sickness. He continued with his daily routine, rising early to go to work, returning home only when everyone went home. He never complained to us about the pain that we knew was so great. I remembered once, to show us youngsters how strong he still was, he challenged us all to an arm wrestling game. We all lost. How he had laughed at our stunned faces as we lost.

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His health took a turn for a worse as time passed. Soon, he couldnt talk anymore, and his body grew weak. Because he could not swallow, a tube was inserted at his stomach to feed him with. His pain was so unbearable for all of us to watch, and yet he suffered in silence, groaning only when he thought we couldn't hear. We were all so helpless to help him. All we could do was to stand by, powerless, as the sickness slowly consumed him.

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Through it all, from what I have heard, grandfather was a fine man. Brave, courageous, hardworking, honest, and many more. All the qualities that so many lack, yet grandfather had in abundance. With his hard work, he left behind a legacy that we would all strive to keep and protect, his memories and his company. And despite it all, he really did love us all.

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As the men finally shoveled the last of the earth in and patted it down evenly, everyone started to move on. As I stood there, with the breeze blowing through my hair gently, I changed my mind. This weather isn't an insult, but a blessing from grandpa. A sign that we should move on in life, that situations, though sad, always had a bright side to it. I looked up into the blue sky, the tears long dried, and gave a small smile. I love you grandpa, I whispered, and ran towards my family who stood waiting for me to return home, together.

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Grandfather, I know you can see my heart now, and I want to say this. I wish I could have known you better, and have more cheerful memories of you. I wish I had managed to done more to ease your sufferings. More than any of that, I wish that I could have had the chance to say this. I love you grandpa, though you're gone, I am glad that you are out of your sufferings. We will all dearly miss you.

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He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Author's Note

Hey Readers,

It's been awhile since I've had time to do any writing... I do apologize for that... It might still be awhile before I start writing again... with all my major exams coming up... I'm not surprised to find myself plagued by a writer's worst nightmare, a writer's block...

I'll do my best... So hang on and hope for they best...

Love,
Chris

Initial stages

Hi. Artistic Designations is just a place to indulge in various form of art that I can pack in here. If there’s a story do read from the start and if there's drawing or lyrics do drop a comment. You are also free to drop in different suggestions to place any other art work here if I can possibly manage. Enough delay so let the art fiesta begin…
-Chris